Too grown up...

I'm 11.. But I feel older, too grown up.. I don't get magical pillow rides anymore... I'm almost as tall as my mommy. I have flashbacks of my past, it's like it all slipped on by. Went in a blink, my playtime.. Hiding underneath a blanket with my mommy because it was thundering. Swinging on a swing at my old house playing with ants and having my photo taken... Seeing my grandpa... Jogging with my daddy. Opening a gift and screaming cause it was exactly what I wanted... It has all gone by too fast... I would give 1,0000000$ just to see my grandpa's, poppys face again, photos are memory, I remember the way he looked. I love him and miss him a lot... But the problem is, I can't get those priceless seconds back. My mind mocks me every day, I didn't realize it at first, but it is... It may sound weird but its true... It says "why are you afraid of something so small?! You must not be brave enough for the world." "You should of said goodbye, but you were too scared." It bullies me, yes my mind is controlled by me, but these thoughts. Their not coming from myself. It was my mind who told me to hit myself and that I deserved it. It's like it's acting to be a ruler over me. I want it to stop... And only sometimes can I fight it off, say bible verses, I say this at my mind, "I don't have to be afraid, God is with me, and in the bible it said he'd never forsake me. He's with me always." But my mind shakes it off...